I would purify the world with one primal scream, but nobody would listen.

I'm kind of over writing my thoughts out on the internet. You just never know who may decide to stumble across them and judge you just a tad as a result.

Everything looks perfect from far away.

And please if you got a minute,
enjoy this lonely sky with me.
It'll swallow us whole if we only let it.

My desire to move somewhere warm and isolated is becoming more overwhelming by the day.

For a minute there, I lost myself..

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes...

fuck.

As of late, I have been having this overwhelming feeling that my life is somehow off track. I feel like I'm lost, or struggling to find myself essentially, and the most frustrating part of it all is that I can't seem to convey myself accordingly.

My thought proccesses make sense in my yet, but for some reason my mood changes and abrupt changes in disposition can't be put into simple words. Sometimes I feel like I'm a 21 year old trapped in the mind of a middle age woman. All of the anxiety and stress that has been plaguing me seems to relieve itself temporarily only to come flooding back a few days later.

I know that it's all a part of life, growing up, embracing your responsibilities, blossoming as a person but sometimes I feel like I'm losing track of time, or at least of the bigger picture.

Theoretically, I have done things according to societal standards, but I've just been having these pangs of regret, mixed emotion, complacency; whatever it can be defined as I don't like it. I don't like feeling so sullen, so unlike myself. To be fair, November does bring its fair share of doom and gloom, but right now I just feel really sad, that's basically it.

I guess I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately, remembering when times were simpler and just missing it.

Feeling......content.
And anxious.

I have really neglected writing in this lately, mainly due to the fact that most of my true thoughts and innermost feelings don't belong on the internet. There's always this underlying notion that I have to censor what I write in here (to some degree) and that seems ridiculous so I have just been keeping to myself.

I'm at peace with myself, trying to every day to strengthen my relationships and improve my focus. My patience often wears the more stressed out I become, and I don't relish having someone there to absorb my fleeting stress and anxiety. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, or perhaps even a lovesick 16 year old, my relationship with Ryan still never ceases to amaze me. It's strange how much happiness one person can bring you, how struggling with that person and surpassing the daily obstactles that come with living on your own can improve an already flawless relationship. I've just never been this confident or comitted to any relationship, any person in my entire life and it's nice.

On a completely unrelated note, it's weird not being in school. I have been thinking about going back to do my masters, but quite honestly it doesn't seem like it's worth it. I'm not in love with my job persay, but I get along ridiculously well with everyone, including my manager, and I have the ability to be making a ton of money starting this month. Since it's salary and commission, the past 2 months I have been building portfolios, so to speak, and now I am noticing the benefits. I eventually want to do something that I love, some form of writing, whether that entails freelance, editorial or reporting, I just don't think that I need another 2 years of school to get myself to that level. I don't really even feel like my four years at Utm did any good, I certainly don't feel any more qualified or confident, I just feel $25 000 poorer haha. I know that Ryan is going through a similar crisis, He want's to get into design, graphic or interior, and he has more talent and ability then any designer I have ever seen, he's just young and doesn't have a lot of experience.

It's funny how life works though, how we are programmed to believe that 4 years of education will lead to a fabulous career; when it seems like so many people are graduating and pursuing something that has nothing to do with their major. I wish that the post secondary school system could be different, could encourage people to enroll to enrich their minds instead of constrain them with pointless essays and useless required courses.

Besides that I'm content. I'm trying to decide what type of house I want to buy, trying to save up some money, and just enjoying being on my own. I'm trying to plan a roadtrip down to the states in November for the American long weekend, but I'm not sure where I want to go. I was thinking Scranton Pensylvannia, because I'm that much of a dork that I would drive all that way just to see where they film the office (and hopefully run into Steve Carrell to profess my love)

tonight: home made killer kood-aids.

Beach day!

The sheer selfless kindness that I was exposed to on Thursday night reaffirmed a lot to me. Although people are capable of lying and betrayal and all those fun things, you should never really expect the unexpected. I feel so much more secure, so much more hopeful and it really is nice.


6 people were fired from my work to condense our department and focus on having a smaller more tight knit staff. It's weird, my boss doesn't act like a typical boss, I actually really like him, and he seems to have such high hopes for me. He's not one of those people you walk on pins and needles around, you almost want to do well to make him look good (well, and because you get a huge commission cheque in the process) It's just funny how much I have changed in a year. I went to my old work plaza on thursday night to pick up chinese food, and when I went into Rogers it was so strange and foreign. It didn't feel like I had ever worked there, but at the same time, memories of free movies and late night shifts, and all of the good and bad that came with that job flooded over me. It's weird, I've been so nostalgic lately, remembering the good and the bad, and just trying so hard not to dwell on the bad.

Ryans turning 24 this month, the day after my sister turns 6, so it should be interesting. I have high hopes for the month of August.

Ryan and I had the most perfect anniversary last night. No need to elaborate.

It was a walk down memory lane, so to speak, with a few minor snags....but it was perfect.

Life is too short for all of the nonesense.

I went to this tiny fleamarket in Markham after work on Thursday and I bought 6 of the most beautiful japanese paintings. I've been searching endlessly for the perfect cherry blossom tree, trying to design a tattoo for myself and I found it. It's so pretty, so traditional looking, I'm going to hang it in my bedroom.

Ryan and I also picked out a few paintings of traditional japanese flowers; lotus, hibiscus, ALL hand painted for cheap. It made me happy.

Yesterday while i was driving I saw some lady rear end the car in front of her, and then proceed to get out and start screaming at the lady in front of her for stopping. At a red light. Yeah. It was a full fledge screaming match and not gonna lie, I wanted to insert myself in to defend the lady that stopped but I held my tongue. People are so stupid.

Other than that, I'm excited to FINALLY go to the beach tonight. This summer has been full of working and stressing, getting settled in my new place, it will be nice to just unwind. My parents are in Florida as we speak, for 2 weeks with some family friends and I'm so jealous that I couldn't go.

My new job is awesome though, dealing with Americans is a lot more intimidating, but It's giving me a tougher skin. The majority of my files are from LA, New York and Detroit, so its interesting to say the least.

lastly, buying 4 bottles of wine and trying to cart them up to my condo while getting dirty looks from the elderly residents is always fun.

Ryan and I got two little bunnies, and I am IN LOVE with them. One of them is just a baby who sits there and cleans her face all day (and perches herself on top of the couch) and the other one is big and bouncy and climbs everywhere. They are the cutest things ever.

Surprisingly they are really friendly too, they love being held and they nuzzle up beside each other when they sleep, it's too cute. Okay I'm done gushing.

Yesterday while I was sitting on Ryans parents front porch I witnessed the weirdest series of weather changes. It went from being ridiculously hot outside, to raining, to pouring, to deafening thunder to golf ball sized hail. There were chunks of hail flying everywhere, and then twenty minutes later it was sunny outside again. WEIRD.

I have this overwhelming desire to go to Wonderland, a place that I haven't ventured to since my preteen years. Knowing my luck, I'll go on a day where it pours rain though. At least starting next week I will have the added luxury of working normal human hours (9-5) instead of the soul sucking 12-9:30- shifts that I have been doing for the past 3 months.

I don't do much except shop online, yearn for the expensive purses that I can't afford and design my next tattoo. Ryan and I have an appointment in July to get tattooed (a partial gift to him for our 1 year) and I'm so overwhelmed. It's going to be a fairly large tattoo, and my first colour one, so I want to make sure that it's exactly what I want!

blehhhhhhhhhhhh

damn, here we go again,
people talk shit, but when shit hits the fan
everything I'm not, made me everything I am.